Artemis Fowl Decoded
by ShinjAngel
Summary: All the Artemis Fowl books decoded and the Fairy Code in The Artemis Fowl Files. Disclaimer at the end.
1. Book 1 Artemis Fowl

Artemis Fowl book 1

The Prophecies of Ohm phlegm pot cleaner to Frond elfen king. I am Ohm phlegm pot cleaner to the king. But I am much more than that for I see the future written in the phlegm. For centuries we pixies have read the phlegm but I am the best there has ever been. My visions are generally of little importance. I foretell outbreaks of troll pox or gas spasms among elderly dwarfs. But sometimes even a poor pot cleaner can see wondrous things.  
A vision came to me two moons ago when I was gazing deep into his majesty's own phlegm pot. I was heating the pot over a flame when the sign appeared. This vision was more vivid and detailed than any I had previously seen. Because of its importance I decided to write it down for posterity. And so I can say I told you so. I saw an age when the people have been driven underground by the mud men. This is what the phlegm told me.  
In this time one shall come among us. Fowl by name and foul by nature.  
A mud man unlike any other. He shall learn our secrets and use them against us. I see him now as plain as day. His face is pale he has dark eyes and raven hair. Yet it must be a mistake for he seems a mere youth. Surely no mud boy could outwit the people. But now I see that the boy is not alone. He is aided by a formidable warrior scarred from a thousand battles. This fowl shall hold the people. To ransom for their most precious possession -- Gold.  
And in spite of all our magic there is a chance that he will prevail. For he has discovered how to escape the time field. Unfortunately how the story ends I cannot say. But there was more to see. There is another story to come. Someone will bring the people and mud men together. The worst of both races. This fairy's goal is to grind all the creatures of the earth beneath his boot. And who is this traitor it is not clear. But he shall start a war unlike anything the people have ever seen. Those who were enemies shall be united against him. And for the first time there will be mud men below ground. I have one clue to his identity a riddle. Goblins shall rise and haven shall fall a villainous elf is behind it all to find the one who so disappoints look ye to where the finger points instead of one face this elf has two. Both speak false and none speak true. While publicly he lends a helping hand his true aim is to seize command. I know it's not very plain is it I don't understand either. But perhaps in the future all will become clear. Look for a power hungry elf who has a finger pointed at him during our tale. And so this is Ohms legacy. A warning that may save the world from total destruction. There's not much to work with I know. The details are a bit sketchy. My advice to you is to consult the phlegm. It may be that you are sensitive. I have buried this prophecy with my phlegm pot. If you are not fortunate enough to work as a pot cleaner then there is usually a supply of phlegm every time you have a cold. Here endeth the first prophecies of Ohm. But because of the importance of my visions I shall repeat the prophecies once more. If you have just begun to understand the text then read on. If you have worked out the entire message then congratulations.  
Now go and save the world.


	2. Book 2 The Artic Incident

The Artic Incident Book 2

Congratulations, human. If you have cracked this code, you are more intelligent than most of your species. This is a message from the fairy people. We are seeking out our allies among the Mud Men. Though most humans are dull witted creatures, there are exceptions. You, for example. The reason for your intelligence is that you have fairy ancestors.  
Do you feel different from those around you? Are your ears a bit pointier than most? Is your tongue long enough to touch your nose? Do you dream of flying? Have you ever thought that you do not belong among the Mud Men? That is because you have fairy blood in your veins.  
So, young Mud Fairy, I have a mission for you. As one of the People, it is your duty to protect the earth from those who would destroy it. You must become one of a new race of Mud Men who love this planet as much as the fairy folk.  
There is one simple rule. Use only what you need and use it wisely. Do this and the earth will survive. Go now and begin your quest. I shall repeat this message for those whose fairy intelligence is buried a bit deeper than yours.


	3. Book 3 The Eternity Code

The Eternity Code Book 3

A message from Artemis Fowl. Encrypted.

My dear newfound ally if you have deciphered this code then you are of sufficient intelligence to aid me in my mission. You may have heard of the Fowl family and imagine this mission to be illegal or even dangerous. I promise you this is now the case all I ask that you help me keep my memories where they belong. In my head.  
There are certain forces at work that wish to deprive me of memories that are rightfully mine. There forces would wipe certain facts from my brain that are extremely important not to mention valuable. Who are these forces they are known as the people. I know what you are thinking this person Artemis Fowl has obviously lost his mind. Fairy people he cannot honestly expect me to believe this nonsense. It is an understandable reaction. Two years ago I would have reacted exactly the same way. But a lot can change in two years.  
I have seen greenskinned sprites fly under their own power. I have seen dwarfs use their cavernous mouths to dig tunnels. I have witnessed the healing power of elves and touched the flank of a noble centaur.  
These creatures exist. Take my word for it. But as powerful as these creatures are they fear one thing humans. We are the only living creatures with the power the overthrow their underground society. Our numbers could subdue even magic. So the people have decided that it is too dangerous to have a human boy with fairy knowledge in his head. Soon they will mind wipe me and this extraordinary information will disappear.  
There is one way to stop this happening. I have entrusted a computer disk to a reprobate of Mulch Diggums. The disk contains all my knowledge of the fairy folk. Of course the mind wipe will cause me to forget all about the dwarf and the disk. Diggums should bring the disk to me but common criminals are not to be trusted. I ask you to get a message to me. The message is simple. Six words only. Artemis Fowl must find Mulch Diggums. Wherever you see one of the faithful clutching this book repeat those words. The message will spread like a virus across the world eventually reaching my ears. I will act upon it putting all my resources into locating the mysterious mister Diggums. Once I find him the disk will reactivate all my memories and the knowledge will be mine again.  
Do this for me and when I rule the world then you will be rewarded. Remember Artemis Fowl must find Mulch Diggums.

Your new friend Artemis Fowl the Second.


	4. Book 4 The Opal Deception

Opal Deception Book 4

A recruitment letter from the centaur Foaly, technical consultant to the Lower Elements.  
Police: trusted ally, if you have decoded this gnommish message then you are a deputy officer in the Lower Elements Police. You will not be aware of this fact because it is the practice of the LEP to mind-wipe our human allies. We do this so they cannot remember being recruited. If you cannot remember the fairy people or our underground city then you cannot betray our existence to the greedy humans. Of course not all humans are greedy. You, deputy, are a noble member of your species. And clever too. We only recruit the best. Our intelligence department studied your file and concluded that you were suitable for LEP membership.  
At the moment you are only a deputy officer. To become a fully fledged officer you must complete four tasks.  
Number one, decode this message. Something you are well on your way to completing.  
Number two save the life of a member of another species. You can complete this task in any number of ways. Open a window to release a trapped fly. Build a birdbath in your garden. Release a mouse from a trap.  
Number three achieve a perfect score on a school test or homework assignment. In this job you need to be smart as well as fit.  
Number four wash yourself every day for a week; this is a difficult assignment especially for human boys who do not like contact with water. If you are going to work underground often in cramped tunnels you will appreciate a partner who does not smell like a hermit dwarf. Once you have completed these tasks you must summon your recruiting officer in the ancient fashion.  
Go to your back yard or nearest green area. Make sure you are not being watched. Find a soft spot of ground and burrow a six inch hole with a broom or short stick. When your hole is ready tap out the letters L E P in horse code.  
The code for L E P is as follows L, tap tap wiggle tap E, wiggle wiggle tap P, tap wiggle drill. Do this at least a hundred times and our underground sensors will pick up the vibrations and send an LEP officer with your uniform and orders.  
Good luck deputy. Foaly.


	5. Book 5 The Lost Colony

The Lost Colony Book 5

"The demon scrolls tell of a mighty warlock that will come to save our people but I wouldn't rely too much on scrolls. They also say that rabbits are the supreme beings and that the best cure for a sore throat is a poultice of dung and old socks. Hence trust the scrolls at your peril. There are however a few basic tips for survival in a demon tribe that might be helpful if you were a human say and has never actually met a demon before. Which is unlikely to say the least. If you were human you wouldn't be able to read this in the first place. So. Demon survival tips. First never stab a demon with his own sword. This is the ultimate insult and will result in a vendetta that could go on for generations. It is fine to stab a demon with your sword he will congratulate you for managing that but only poor warriors lose their swords and then get stabbed with them. If the opportunity arises give it a miss. Second. Demons have a pretty comprehensive system of sign language in which buttock slapping features heavily. It is very important not to slap the wrong buttock. Never slap someone else's buttock unless they stab you with your own sword, that is considered very bad manners. And learn the difference between the left buttock slap and a right buttock slap. If a passerby aims his buttocks at you and slaps the left one it means that there is a full moon due that evening and he hopes you will join him for the traditional hunt. If he slaps the right buttock it simply means that you remind him of his right buttock. You can see where the problems could arise. Finally never sneeze into your fist. Always allow the sneeze to run free into the air. Medical demons assure us that the sneeze comprises of millions of tiny flying demons that zoom around the earth until they can find a human to land on. When they alight on their host humans they hack into their scalps with tiny axes causing terrible headaches which make the humans easy to defeat in battle. So when a demon sneezes immediately slap your right buttock in the direction of the sneeze so that the tiny demons can pass on the message to the human they land on."

* * *

This might have some spelling mistakes..o.O. I did this in a rush straight after I finished reading it and my Gnommish isn't as fluent as before...so bear with me! If there's something wrong, review and tell me about it. Sadly, this is the last book...WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 


	6. Book 6 The Time Paradox

Here it is! FINALLY! Thanks to all my awesome reviewers :) Have fun all and keep reading!^^

* * *

From the collected correspondence of Opal Koboi. A series of letters between Opal Koboi, inmate number 1 100 0 101, Atlantis maximum security penitentiary and Wing Commander Vinyaya, Haven Council.

Koboi: My dear wing commander, while I realize that my first probation hearing is not due for four hundred years, I feel that it would be in the People's best interests to release me before then. After all, the humans are becoming more sophisticated daily, and a genius such as myself will be needed to ensure that fairy technology remains superior to human technology.

Vinyaya: Dream on, Koboi. You're in prison. Accept it.

Koboi: I am sensing negative vibrations from you, wing commander. Do not be so quick to judge. People can change, surely you accept that. I admit that, once, I found the idea of being the planet's supreme power an attractive one, but who hasn't secretly nurtured the dream of wiping out humanity and utterly dominating one's own peers? I see now that this dream might be unacceptable to some narrow-minded theories and I am prepared to swear on my pixie honor that, should I be released, I would not attempt to take over the world again.

Vinyaya: On your pixie honor? Wow. I'll send the transfer shuttle right over.

Koboi: I see now, wing commander, that you never had any intention of sending the transfer shuttle right over. In fact, you were being sarcastic. Mocking me from the safety of Police Plaza in Haven. I waited for three weeks before I realized that the shuttle was not coming for me. I packed my belongings so that I would be ready. Including my collection of model sea horses, which I fashioned from chewed cardboard. My favorite sea horses, Twinky and Goodboy were broken in the process. Twinky cries every night over her severed tail and Goodboy does not look so dashing without his head. Your callousness leaves me no alternative but to place you in my revenge list. When I am finally free of this horrible place and elevated to my rightful position as queen of the world, you will take my place in this cell and I will send my troll minions to issue daily beatings with batons fashioned from sea horses' tails. A fitting punishment, I am sure you agree.

Vinyaya: See you in four hundred years.

* * *

A/N: AN UPDATE AN UPDATE OMG!  
Thanks for all you awesome reviewers who alerted me to the new book. Got me hunting again. The problem is, it wasn't out in my country so it kinda took awhile . Again, there is no punctuation (except maybe the full stops). Just disregard the punctuation. =] Please do tell me if there are mistakes and I'll fix them..eheh..Kinda rushed...had to return the book


	7. Artemis Fowl Files

Hello everyone!

It seems that all my reviewers want the translation of the 'fairy code' in the "Artemis Fowl Files" so here it is!!!

NOTE: I put in the punctuation marks (commas, etc) myself. They are not actually there in the book).

When a fairy is trapped above ground without magic, it is best to avoid contact with humans. Hide in the shallows of a river as humans, especially children, do not like to wash themselves. Drape yourself with the skin of a sheep or goat as humans are often not clever enough to notice. If you are cornered by a human, slap the ground with the flat of your hand as this will often frighten the mud men away. If this is unsuccessful, admit that you are a fairy and humans, being cynical creatures, will think that you are a friend in a costume trying to make a fool of them. If all this fails, then ask the human if you could possibly borrow some money and the mud man will flee with great speed and never seek you out again.

There you go ppls! Have fun reading the books cos they rule!!!!!

::Edit:: Fixed a spelling mistake (Geez so fussy...)


	8. Author

Author's Note:

I don't own Artemis Fowl. The guy named Eoin (apparently pronouced Owen) Colfer does. Wish I did though...I could do whatever I wanted to him...hehehe.

* * *

1. Book 1 Artemis Fowl

2. Book 2 The Artic Incident

3. Book 3 The Eternity Code

4. Book 4 The Opal Deception

5. Book 5 The Lost Colony

6. Book 6 The Time Paradox

7. Artemis Fowl Files

8. Author's Note


End file.
